


say you're there when i feel helpless

by goldenkc



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, it gets a little heavy, there is no depicted rape/non con but it is heavily implied and discussed, this is all about murphy dealing with his trauma, warning: panic attacks and nightmares and flashbacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-27 07:50:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21115283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldenkc/pseuds/goldenkc
Summary: character study//how john murphy deals with his trauma





	say you're there when i feel helpless

**Author's Note:**

> if any of the stuff in the tags could trigger you then please take care of yourself.
> 
> title from trauma by nf

He doesn’t remember dreaming while he was asleep for over a century. He counts himself lucky. He might’ve gone mad trapped in endless dreams he couldn’t force himself awake from.

* * *

“The things we do to survive,” Miller says it as a joke, everyone chuckles, and no one notices the way Murphy tenses at the words. 

Suddenly he’s not sitting with his people around a fire under starlight; he’s in Polis, in that damned building. He looks down at his hands, chained together, being pulled toward the bed unwillingly. He takes a step. “The things I do to survive,” he jokes with fear laced in his voice, too much fear, but his captor doesn’t care.

He feels a hand on his shoulder and he flinches. Clarke pulls her hand back, concern in her eyes. Murphy glances at every face around them, making sure no other eyes are on him. He clears his throat and mutters that he needs to take a leak. He doesn’t need to turn around to know Clarke’s still watching him.

* * *

He wakes in a cold sweat, jolting up, chest heaving. Emori wakes beside him and runs her hand over his back. They both get nightmares, they know the drill. “Want to talk about it?”

“No,” Murphy says before he lies back down. She wraps her arm around his torso and rests her forehead on his back, their legs intertwined. He grips her forearm and wills his heartbeat to calm down.

It’s always hard to remind himself he’s not there at first, but slowly he comes back to his surroundings. He’s safe, in the arms of the love of his life. He’s not there. _He’s not there._

* * *

Octavia scares him sometimes. He doesn’t like to admit it, but sometimes she gets a look in her eye that reminds him of someone else. He hates that he thinks like that. Octavia’s never done anything to him personally. But he can’t help it.

* * *

Bellamy wakes early one morning, nearly six a.m., and he’s perplexed to find Murphy in the common room with a book.

The older man calls his friend’s name, who’s startled as he turns around.

“Fuck, Blake, give me a heart attack, why don’t you?”

He chuckles softly. “What're you doin’ up?” he asks, voice thick with sleep.

Murphy shrugs. “Couldn’t sleep. So,” he trails off, lifting the book. 

“Is it helpin’?”

“Nope,” he responds, eyes on the pages.

Bellamy rocks on the balls of his feet a moment. “Are you okay?”

Murphy pauses a second then faces him with a smile that looks just a little too fake. “Dandy.” He turns back to the book and doesn’t make any indication like he wants to continue the conversation.

Bellamy fights his paternal instincts and nods, walking out of the room. He throws one last glance at Murphy, who’s furrowed eyebrows say anything but _dandy_.

* * *

Raven walks in on a panic attack. Murphy thought he’d be alone in the garage today, everyone was at a meeting. But in walks Raven anyway.

She doesn’t know how to react at first. She hasn’t seen him this upset since Becca’s lab.

“You good?”

Murphy nods, spinning on his heel to wipe at the tears that had fallen down his cheeks. 

“Yeah, looks like it,” she replies sarcastically. She walks closer but keeping her distance. “Listen, something’s up. You don’t want to tell us, that’s okay. But if you do, we’re here.”

He faces her, eyes still red. He swallows, not meeting her eyes. “I… I’ve never told--”

“Hey,” she says reaching out now. “It’s okay, Murphy. We all have shit we’d rather not talk about. I’m not making you.”

Then he does something uncharacteristic--he initiates a hug. His arms went under hers, so she covered him fully. The way his shoulders shake tells her that he’s crying again. This scares her. She’s truly never seen her friend like this. She wishes she could help but maybe this embrace will suffice for right now.

When he finally pulls back, he wipes at his face again. Raven reaches up and swipes a tear he missed with her thumb.

“I think I’m just broken,” he murmurs. 

Raven’s face softens. It’s not pity, for which he’s thankful--it’s a look that tells him she knows the feeling. “Do you want to talk about it?” she asks quietly.

He nods slowly. They sit on stools next to each other. And so he tells her--about being captured, held by the woman whose name he can’t even say, what she made him do, how his body reacted against his brain, and how he blames himself. She quickly cut him off when he started down that path. She made it perfectly clear that what happened to him was not his fault.

He knows logically that’s true, but he can’t help himself from thinking otherwise. Raven held his hand as he went through it all. 

He told her that no one else knows, that he knows everyone talks about him and that something changed him back on Earth, but that he never even told Emori.

“You know she’d understand, right? They all would,” she promises him. He nods at that, too choked up to answer now. “Well, they’re there if you want to. But go your own pace, okay?” He nods again.

Raven steps off her stool to hold Murphy again. He doesn’t feel as heavy this time.

* * *

He does tell the others eventually. He goes at his own pace. It’s harder to tell some people than others, but he makes it through with everyone’s support all the same. Some people have stories of their own, thanking Murphy for his courage to inspire them. 

He never realized how much these people truly love him, he never should’ve doubted them… they’re his family.

**Author's Note:**

> (this hits close to home and this is a little drawn from my own experiences with trauma but i understand that not everyone experiences it in the same way, hope you guys do too.)
> 
> if you liked, don't forget to kudos :)


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